I’m up early today – thinking a lot.
That seems to be all I’ve been doing. A lot of thinking. A lot of questioning everything I’ve done in the past year. A lot of second guessing. Wondering where I went wrong in life.
I’m not a faithful person too much. I grew up Catholic- and think that I’m partially how I am because of that. I will never knock my upbringing. I attribute a lot of my decisions in life due to keeping my “faith” – but, that’s been second-guessed this past month.
My story …….
I said my prayers one morning on my way to work. I seldom do this. I seldom really true pray. Well, I did that day. I did with all my heart. Every bit of my being. I thought, what do I have to lose, I’ve done everything else I could do, let me put my faith back into something - someone – else. So I did. And, guess what, my prayers were answered. I thought, Holy SMOKES! Something worked for me. I was stunned that by the end of the day, I felt truly blessed, and truly “looked after”.
Well, 4 days later, that changed. It was taken away from me. I felt totally betrayed, I feel totally betrayed. (Not just by my faith, but by people who I thought actually “cared” about me). So here I sit today, wondering what the heck did I do so wrong in my life to have that happen to me. AGAIN!
People say everything happens for a reason. Well, let me turn that on you.
Does a 13 y/o child deserve years of surgeries. Years of pain. Does a teenager deserve being ridiculed at school for years because of being “sick” – visibly having something wrong with them? Does a caring loving adult deserve health problem after health problems? Does a hard working dedicated adult deserve having her future ripped out from her?
So, think of that. Think of all the trials and tribulations ONE person has gone through – then that one time, where I put my trust in something greater, the one that that I truly need the help, and then have it answered, but 4 days. FOUR DAYS people …. How should a person feel after that? The most “faithful” people I know would be starting to question this. When you look at a person’s life time of problems, life time of tests, life time of learning opportunities, and just when you think it’s solved…… it’s not.
Welcome to why I’m not getting sleep … why I look so tired in a day. Why my “sparkle” is starting to fade. My smile isn’t there as much. “I’m” not there as much. I don’t know how to be ME through all of this mess I’m in. I know I have to come to grips with what’s happening with my job. I know that. But I’m losing me while I do. Each day grows closer to switching jobs …. And as each day goes by, I feel like I’m losing part of “me” while that happens. It’s like “MOI” is being sucked out of me. And, I don’t know how to deal with this …………
Let’s hope as the days go on, I snap out of this ………………….
I keep being told ……. This was meant to be ………………….
2 comments :
I wish I could give it all meaning. I only know a tiny sliver of you and of your past, so I can't even say I understand. But my heart goes out to you, truly.
I was reading a book recently that talked about suffering and why it is that we suffer. In the book, it boiled down to the fact that we DO think a lot, that we see connections between things so that we're constantly reminded of our pain and our losses.
I'm sorry for the losses *you* have suffered, and I hope you find a way to reconnect with the YOU that is being stripped away... or find a new you that's always been there. I know I sure see a beautiful person over there where you are.
Oh, Dee, I just want to run over there and give you a big squeezy hug. I don't know much of what's going on - but I do have great big shoulders and pots and pots of tea and ears in good working order...and kelly is out of town until Sunday late - so if you want to come over the house is all ours and you can pour out your heart or sit & stitch quietly beside me. I'm all yours.
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