Long awaited .... nothing

Hi all ..

I’ve been in virtual hiding a lot these days. I’m not 100% sure how I feel about anything these days.

I’m ok with doubting things about me … why did I get stuck with this … why did this happen to me. Why am I one in the millions to get something. I’m good with internalizing and handling that. NO PROB!

BUT! When horrible stuff happen to people in my family – and not just one horrible thing – CANCER SUCKS btw!!! But when a 2^nd thing happens – and it’s to a a sweet innocent little baby in a belly – then I start to have some issues.

I can barely talk to my friends – I have other people give them updates on my life – becaue I can’t! I can’t seem to bring myself to talk about this. I have the world’s BEST cowoker – FRIEND – who’s been my big support – and I have no idea why I can gush to her – but others – I can’t even see them. I can’t bring myself to see my newest little wee “niece” – who is amazing and lovely! I can’t do it. I can’t see her mom who’s been a best friend to me for years – can’t do it!

I can’t talk to my family – I can talk to my mom – without her I’d be lost – but talk to my aunt- can’t even do that these days. I am doubting a lot right now. How can one world be so cruel – all at once!!! HOW?!?!!?

Ok, yes everything happens for a reason – I am walking proff of that theory – and I believe that mostly. Yes – we are only given as much as we can take – “He” wouldn’t give us more (for my religious followers – I am Catholic – I was raised that way. For a long time when I was sick – I prayed – A LOT – and yes, I made it through – but I’m telling you – 20yrs later – you doubt EVERYTHING)

So … now what! I internalize, bottle up – hide everything behind that big ass red door in my brain – and continue on in my life. Praying, Hoping, Wishing that something will give … something is going to HAVE to give … Someone is going to have to get better – something is going to have to be positive with all this shit happening.

I guess this isn’t a crafty/quilting type of post – I am sorry for that. But, I am quilting. I’m LOVING making my blocks each month for the Bees I’m in – LOVEING it!! Even the horrible annoying paper piecing – it was fun!! Maybe swore a bit when seam ripping – but – it was fun!! I was very proud of that!! I’m looking forward to making more blocks now too.

Part of today – I’m hoping to start something J I have plans to do my laying and basting of many quilt tops – I am hoping Easter long weekend I can take a day away and do that. I have much measure of batting to get done first – and hoping I have enough for at least 2 quilts right now. I want to finish some this year. J

 

Now you all have my life …. J